Choosing A Video (MWPP Style)
by Jennifer Longbottom
Summary: I'm not sure about the rating, I can't remember...James and co. are going to watch a video with their respective girlfriends. Unfortunately, there are so many different films...then Snape comes along...and Voldemort likes Disney...


A/N: Hi, again. This time the Marauders are in a Muggle video shop – the type where you only borrow the videos for a couple of days or so, then bring them back. Then Snape comes along, trying to find something that his seven-year-old boy cousins will like. Oh, just in case anyone's confused, Snape has six cousins mentioned in this fic. One girl (whom he _isn't_ babysitting that particular night) and five boys (whom he _is_ looking after.)

I thought this up during English (Thank God for my very nice, but occasionally neglectful English teacher!) and wrote it up until Remus's 'that's so uncreative' line.

I seem to be making Remus the bigmouth in these dialogues, don't I? But I love the idea of him being the most successful of the three – four – Marauders, especially in relationships. He got Sirius's girlfriend in 'Just Talking' and now he gets Snape's in this one. By the way, the film he says is too disturbing is an idea I had a couple of weeks ago – one of Remus watching a werewolf film…

And then, of course, there's the mental image of Voldemort watching Disney…

Jennifer Longbottom 

Disclaimer: Snape's cousins, the shop assistant, and Shirley Wilding belong to me. The films mentioned belong to whoever owns the rights. The expression 'shine a light' is my friend's favourite saying. Tom, James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Snape belong to JKR. Though, I suppose, technically, Shirley Wilding belongs to Agatha Christie a.k.a. Mary Westmacott. (In _The Burden_, which I was reading a few days ago.) The government ragging belongs to everyone. The last line belongs to Frank Zappa. (In _Elvis Has Just Left The Building_.)

Enjoy!

**_J.L._**

**__**

**_Choosing A Video (MWPP Style)_**

Peter: How about this one?

Sirius: No chance. I wouldn't be seen dead with that in my possession.

James: Would you be seen _alive_ with it?

Sirius: Ha, ha, very funny – so funny I forgot to laugh.

Peter: All right then, not 'Gone With The Wind'. How about this one?

Remus: No. It's too disturbing.

Sirius: How do you know?

Remus: We went to see it last summer, remember? You blew up the cinema.

Sirius: I know what _you_ did last summer.

Peter: What?

Sirius: You know that Ravenclaw, Shirley Wilding?

Peter: Yeah. Snape's girlfriend.

Sirius: Sort of, yeah.  He liked her, but she (ahem) _disliked_ him immensely. Don't blame her. She agreed to go to Hogsmeade with him if he'd stop annoying her. After that, most people – including Snape – thought they were going out, but Shirley was practically vomiting at the idea. She and Remus got together –

Remus: United by our hatred for Snape.

Sirius: And they're still going out.

Peter: _Why_ does no one _tell_ me these things?

Sirius: _(ignoring him) _Which is why Snape tried to curse Remus in the library. Lucky he had all those books piled round him.

Remus: He exploded my Divination textbook, the bastard! Those things are expensive! Then again, it _was_ only Divination.

James: Now, if it had been Defence Against the Dark Arts…

Remus: If it had been Defence, Snape would have breathed his last long ago.

Sirius: Note to self: tell Snape to blow up Remus's Defence textbook.

Remus: Oh, no, you don't. That's _so_ uncreative.

_(Everyone stares at him.)_

Remus: What? Oh, heck, now they're giving me _that_ look.

Sirius: What look?

Remus: The one we usually reserve for you and other nutcases.

Sirius: HOW DARE THEY? THAT'S _MY_ LOOK!

James: Sirius, shush, you'll get us thrown out.

Peter: I can't _believe _you didn't tell me about Shirley Wilding. I'm supposed to be your _friend_, for crying out loud, and you don't tell me something of this magnitude?

Mysterious Voice From Behind Peter: Bring out the flags! Let the bells ring and the people rejoice! Pettigrew's learnt a new word.

Remus: Marvellous.

James: A fitting end to a horrible day.

Sirius: Be fair, James, it wasn't _that_ bad.

James: Horseface Evans wasn't hitting on you, though, was she?

Remus: I agree with James. She was flirting with me all through lunch as well.

Sirius: Oh, you poor, poor things.

Remus: But the day is becoming more terrible by the second. Snape is here.

Sirius: Yeah, that reminds me, Snapey-poo, what are you doing here?

Snape (a.k.a. Mysterious Voice): Finding a video to take home. Duh.

Sirius: Yes, but Sevvie _darling_, this is a _Muggle _shop.

James: Let's hope it has toilets. I'm going to be sick.

Remus: Never mind toilets, what about air-conditioning? They have to get rid of the smell somehow.

Snape: Do you mind talking about me as if I'm not here?

James: If you don't like us talking about you, then don't listen. Go away. Simple answer.

Sirius: It has to be, otherwise Snape wouldn't understand it.

Remus: Here, Snape, take this one. _(Shoves a brightly coloured video into Snape's hand.)_

Snape: 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves'? DISNEY?

Remus: Little things please little minds.

(Sirius suddenly pushes past Snape and runs out of the shop. Vomiting noises can clearly be heard from outside. He re-enters, looking greenish and pale.)

Sirius: Sorry. I couldn't stand the smell a moment longer.

Snape: (Handing the video back) Lupin, I've seen this before.

(They stare at him. Snape goes bright pink and shuffles his feet.)

Snape: I shouldn't have said that, should I?

Sirius: (evilly) Yes.

Snape: My…little sister. She loves it. I have to babysit her.

Peter: (innocently) You don't have a sister, Severus.

Snape: Sorry, did I say 'sister'? I meant my little baby cousin. She's not old enough to know better.

Remus: Here, then. (Gives Snape 'Gone With The Wind') I'm sure she'll appreciate this.

Snape: Thanks. (Goes up to desk and pays for the loan.) I hope they'll like it. I'm only babysitting the boys tonight – the five of them are about six or seven, mostly – and I need to keep them quiet. (He has not looked at the video Remus gave him yet.)

Remus: Oh, right. You might want this as well, then. (Hands Snape a porn video. Again, Snape doesn't look at the cover.)

Snape: Thanks, Lupin.

Remus: It's all right. Come on, you three. We need to find a film that doesn't require too much brainpower to understand it, or Peter's head will explode.

Peter: Oh, thanks. Where are we meeting the girls?

James: Lily's house. We're staying in and watching the video, remember? The one we haven't picked out yet.

Sirius: Let's just take anything that looks interesting.

James: OK. Spread out and have a glance around. Meet at the counter in five minutes, all right?

(Five minutes later, at the counter.)

Sirius: 'Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid' and 'The Thomas Crown Affair'.

Remus: 'West Side Story' and 'Rebel Without A Cause'.

James: 'Casablanca' and 'Brigadoon'. (Sirius looks at him as if he were mad.) What?

Sirius: Has Lily permanently turned your brain to mush?

James: (reddening) No!

Sirius: Then why – 

Remus: (slowly, as if to a backwards child) Padfoot, we are watching these films with our girlfriends. Therefore we watch romantic stuff. Anyway, you've never seen either of them, so you are not entitled to an opinion.

Sirius: But – 

Remus: Peter, what have you got?

Peter: (goes pink and holds up two videos) 'Alice In Wonderland' and 'Sleeping Beauty'.

(Sirius looks extremely disturbed. An expression of real terror replaces this, and he backs away from Peter.)

Remus: (sarcastically) Why not 'Snow White', Peter?

Peter: Well, I'm scared – 

Remus: Let me guess. You're frightened of the wicked Queen.

Peter: (looks down) Yes.

James: (trying not to laugh) Peter, you've faced Snape a hundred times, and let me tell you, he is one hell of a lot uglier than the wicked Queen.

Sirius: Of course, you're a Republican, aren't you, Jamsie?

James: (blankly) Not really…

Remus: Yet another completely irrelevant remark made by Sirius.

Sirius: Hey!

James: That was even more random than usual.

Sirius: No, 'cause if you say the Queen's ugly, you're a Republican, aren't you? You don't like the monarchy, you think we should overthrow the royal family and turn the country into a Republic.

Remus: Sirius, do you realise just how much power the royal family have?

Sirius: They can do anything they want! Henry VIII cut off his wives' heads!

Remus: He only had two of them executed. Two divorced, one died, one outlived him. And besides, that was five hundred years ago, Padfoot. Now Parliament decides everything – and they're completely useless.

Sirius: So they're just like the Ministry? Without magic?

Remus: Creepily close. An incompetent bunch of idiots.

James: I suppose they're doing all they can.

Remus: Who, the Ministry? Oh, I'm sure. Heck, Lucius Malfoy does more to promote the fact that evil is bad than they do.

James: That's a good point. And they say there seems to be a lot more female Death Eaters – a lot more young female Death Eaters around now. Think there's a connection?

Sirius: Ha! Malfoy has nothing on my charm - 

Remus: - Less personality.

Peter: Huh?

Remus: Malfoy has nothing on Sirius's charmless personality.

Peter: (not really getting it) Oh.

James: We all know the Ministry are bumbling, gormless Crabbes and Goyles. Why did you seem so upset, Remus?

Remus: Shirley's aunt and uncle were murdered last Thursday.

James, Sirius, and Peter: Oh, no!

Remus: Yep.

James: That's terrible.

Remus: That's Voldemort.

Peter: Don't say the name!

Remus: Why not? He's hardly going to turn up in the middle of a Muggle video shop, is he?

(An odd-looking man brushes past them. His eyes appear to be either extremely bloodshot, or he's wearing red contact lenses. He picks up a copy of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' and goes up to the counter to pay for the loan.)

Shop Assistant: Hi, Tom. Granddaughter again, is it?

Tom: (slightly embarrassed, sounds as if he's lying) Yeah.

(He walks out of the shop.)

Remus: Oh, shine a light!

James and Sirius: (singing) In every corner of the world…

Remus: Shut up. We're going to be late.

(James and Sirius go pale.)

Remus: Quick.

(They pay for the loans and run out of the shop.)

Shop Assistant: (picking up a microphone) Ladies and gentlemen, the Marauders have just left the building!


End file.
